Not an easy thing to tell people or an easy thing to even think about but on November 18th I found out the day I was supposed to find out the sex of our new addition that it had died a week and a half ago. I spent the day between the OB GYN office, where they ran multiple exams and procedures, and my truck, where I cried and called those who could comfort me the most: my husband, my mom, and my many sisters. Brian has been amazing, somehow saying exactly the right things and knowing exactly what I need. I don't think I have ever loved him more.
I have also realized just what a precious gift my parents gave me by raising me in the gospel. During times when your heart aches the most, you can wrap it around you and let it warm and comfort you. Without the certain knowledge of Heavenly Father's love for me or for this child I don't think I could have ever been able to see the delicate purpose of my first real hearbreak. Somehow I have even gained greater faith in his love and the blessing he has given me. The night I returned from my doctors, I watched my three children deal with the news and comfort me and Brian. The literally sparkled to me and I saw them for the miracle and gift they were. All I wanted to do was hold them to me and smell them, remember them and love them.
The next day, I went into surgery and everyone there at Beverly Hospital treated Brian and me with such reverance and understanding. We weren't patients but parents to a lost child and we were treated so kindly. I hope that they understand how grateful I am to their perfect understanding of what we were going through that morning.
I don't know what this means for our future family except that I will cherish the family I have and love them for the gift they all are for me. I am blessed beyond what I deserve...I know that and simply give thanks.
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